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. it's a remarkable lesson for all of us. that is all for our show tonight. join us again tomorrow at our regularly scheduled non-live taping. i might even shave and shower. [laughter] right now we're going to go to stephen co-bea colbert at the ct report. >> don't tell me anything, jon, no spoilers, please. >> jon: haven't you been watching the news. >> not at all. i can't go into my show knowing anything about what my show is about. [laughter] i answer every show like a newborn baby. clean slate, no preconceptions. semi blind and covered in placenta and goo crying uncontrollably waiting to be spanked by life. >> jon: what are you wearing when this is happening, a diaper? i don't understand. >> well, yorling i don't undersu either. [laughter] >> jon: thank you for that, stephen. have yourself a wonderful election night. >> it's election night, why did you tell me. i said no spoilers. this is the colbert report. >> jon: is that a spoiler alert. can i tell you who is the vampire. vampire the wear wolf. >> vampire. once again it's the colbert on: we'll see you next time. >> i lo
. thank you. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, thank you for joining us. i don't -- folks -- i don't know if can tell with a just happened but i just got buried underneath an avalanche of love. [cheers and applause] a love-alanch, will you will. nation, tonight was the big vice presidential debate between joe biden and paul ryan in danville, kentucky. the whoop-ass in the blue grass, the bare-knucky in kentucky. [ laughter ] now, i haven't seen it yet. nor will i ever. it's a vice presidential debate. [ laughter ] but for the record, i'm betting -- i know what who is going to win because the key to winning one of these debates is to lower expectations about your speaking skills. and biden's been doing that for four years. [ laughter ] plus he's gonna win. because the liberal media fix is in. >> critics raising concerns about the moderator in tomorrow's vice-presidential clear political bias. it turns out president obama attended abc correspondent martha raddatz first wedding back in 1991. this thing goes deep, folks. [ laughter ] 21 years ago barack obama attended debate modera
will replace obama? ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: thank you for joining us. thank you, nation. ( crowd chanting ) ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: i've got to tell you, with an ovation like that, you make me almost wish i stayed in this race. ( laughter ) folks, our top story tonight, it is my mother's birthday. and the "colbert report" can now project that lorna colbert is 92 years old. happy birthday, mom. of course there is one other story tonight. our continuing coverage of the 2012 election. excitement in the air is palpable and, folks, i cannot wait to palp it. tonight, we are live. ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: thank you. okay, i'm sorry. jimmy, can we retake that, please? >> we can't, we're live. >> stephen: oh, we really are live. i thought i was just duping these rubes. lets cut out that part where i called these mouth breathers rubes. now let's get straight to our coverage. it is 11:33 eastern time on election night. at this point, the election is too close to call. anything can happen. romney could win, obama could win, and that's it. those two. but it could be a very long n
. that. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you so much. why. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. please. ( cheering ) nation, thank you, everybody. please, sit down. now, folks, i don't know if you watched it, but last night, the mindless mobs got together again to pander to the youth and congratulate each other on slowly destroying the moral fabric of america. ( laughter ) but what do you expect? it was the vmas. ( laughter ) ( applause ) folks, i don't know about you-- ( cheers and applause ) i don't upon about you, but i am outraged that all-american band and friend of the report, fun, was beaten out last night for best new artist by the british boy band, one direction. folks, i don't want a bunch of snagle-toothed, spotted dick-eating union jackoffs telling america the number of directions we can go in. ( cheers and applause ). but i will give them this-- their song "what makes you beautiful" isn't just catchy. it's got a great message.
.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show, join us next week at 11:00 when we all will have power an electricity and water and food. here it, your moment of zen. >> they keep playing something in my ear, some kind of weird bubbling sound. i don't know what that is supposed to indicate. >> i think from a bong, right, but i only know that from chief and chong. >> stephen: tonight, what is art, a three letter word for disappointing your parents. then scientists released a study on friendship. and squirt shampoo in arabity's eye, it is what they do. and my guest is msnbc host rachel maddout. if she's here then who is getting ratings on msnbc. a nine-year-old boy spent his parent's life savings on candy. he shouldn't have paid full price for that $100,000 bar. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) thank you ladies and gentlemen. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. nation, you know,
that to us. frankly, folks, i'm stunned, i really thought romney would win. now, i'll never get to see the inaugural ball and his first dance with refalca. ♪ at last, my love ♪ has come along fine, america, it's your funeral. we tried to warn you about this guy. a multimedia empire tell you he was a america hating socialism loving anti-wealth redistributor who was probably lying about his birth place and his religion. why did we pull our punches? i tell you what. we job creators are not going to take it. we are going golf. just like an ayn rand's "atlas shrugged" and leave you on an island where only you can live, manhattan. now think about this. just think this through, folks. now, "obamacare" is here to stay. ( cheers and applause ) sure, a single illness won't wipe out your life's savings. but at what cost? ( laughter ) a lower one. ( laughter ) and now you have to wait for hours in line for medical scare instead of immediately not getting any. oh and you think you own your house, mister. think again. everything belongs to the village now. when you get home tonight, it will be c
that were just not accurate. >> mitt romney presented with us the ultimate etch-a-sketch behavior last night. >> romney has been accused of etch-a-sketch. last night was his greatest achievement. >> stephen: let me show you just how great an achievement it was. before the debate, mitt's campaign said romney will come across as empathetic. but here's what mitt has been promising for the last two years. >> tax cuts for the wealthiest americans. how do you make that seem warm and fuzzy? well, you just need to shake it up as hard as mitt did last night. >> so-- give it a shot. okay. (laughter) (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) now let's see what mitt's tax plan looks like now. okay? just need to get my tool here. okay. here we go. (cheers and applause) presto changeo. (laughter) now you see romney's policies, now you don't. we'll be right back. "k"kxf,x >> welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. folks, if you watch the show you know that i have been fighting all year to stamp out voter fraud. because if even one fraud center shows up at the polls in november that would tarnish the
christie and president obama have been strategizing together on the cleanup. and joe biden is using his teeth to illuminate hoboken. folks-- (cheers and applause) lovely set of choppers. now folks we've all been affected by the storm. even me. yes, i still have power at both my office and my home and my other home. and gas and heat and phone service and my t1 line is still lightning fast. and my toast certificate still making top-notch toast. but i did have to take in my neighbor allen after he lost power. i set him up on a cot in the gar achblingt he should feel right at home surrounded by all of his tools i have borrowed. (laughter) i told him-- (applause) i told him if he gets cold just start the car. (laughter) but folks, that is nothing compared to the ordeal i went through this morning. you see, mayor bloomberg's letting only cars with three or more passengers cross the bridges and tunnels into manhattan. an of course normally it's just me and my driver hector. so this morning i had to-- i'm sorry, i'm sorry. i'm sorry this is hard to get out. this morning, instead of going in hec
. thank you for joining us. nation, you know, here in the tristate area we are still dealing with the aftermath of hurricane sandy. things got so bad that people if brooklyn were forced to live like they were in the 19th century instead of just dressing like it. but just, just when we thought that the worse was over we got hit again. >> a new nor'easter is slamming new york and new jersey. a brutal nor'easter. >> nor'easter. >> nor'easter. >> yes, a nor'easter. (laughter) a stoorm so powerful it can wipe out a region's supply of ts and hs. (laughter) and folks, i'm afraid that this new storm could hurt romney's momentum. (laughter) i mean-- wheers plaus it could slow him down. i mean he already lost the election that can't help. but of course florida is still being counted. so folks i got to till, i am still hanging in there and i'm checking for updates on the campaign's i'm with mitt app. okay. it still works. and it lets you take photos with little messages that show your support for mitt romney. i tweeted this one today. (laughter) i'm with mitt. then later i tweeted i'm s
"stephen") >> stephen: welcome to the "report." thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us in here out there. i'm sure you can tell by that chanting this crowd has gotten c oshslbmentum. (laughter) ladies and gentlemen, last night was the third and final presidential debate. it threw much-need attention to two key domestic issues, "monday night football" and the national league championship. (laughter) as you remember, folks, the first debate was a blowout win for romney. the second debate-- also happened. (laughter) so let's get the truth of night three in "stephen colbert's debate 2012 coverage." two men, one wheel. who gets to drive us over the cliff? (laughter) (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) these people are huge fans of buick. (laughter) i was so excited because last night was officially the foreign policy debate. unfortunately-- and i do not know this-- that means you have to talk about a lot of other stupid countries. (laughter) and this being boca raton, florida, they hit all the important ones. >> israel is a true friend, it is our greatest ally in the
(cheers and applause). >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> he's got four stars, he's written a book on counterinsurgency, he's the acknowledged expert in the world. he's one of the greatest generals america has ever produced. and yet he can't keep his pants captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org is snupt tonight, do government officials make good role models for our kids? well, they don't make good role models for our adults. (laughter) and my guest, former speaker newt gingrich has a new novel about george washington. i cannot tell a lie-- i have not read it. (laughter) duke university has developed a working invisibility cloak. now the blue devils quiddich team will be unstoppable! (laughter) this is the "the colbert report"! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (audience chanting "stephen") thank you, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the "report." chausz (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you
. it says i personally voted for mitt romney. so it's that single tweet is any indication, jon, get used to saying president romney because he's going to win tonight in a landslide. >> jon: that's fascinating. >> that just happened jon moments ago and i'm explaining it to you now in real time. this is only a start. the election center has full capabilities through a protest we call cross screen transferability which allows us to recontexturallize our real time info for monitorrization. jon, there's no denying that is now physically bigger, you can't deny that. [laughter] >> jon: it is bigger and appears to be somewhat useless. >> i'm not even done, jon. watch this. i found click, boom. okay, real time insta instagram. it doesn't even stop. i just tweak it again while simultaneously posting that image. so if you go to one of those places you can see this image, the one dwreur you'r you're seew here later somewhere else. don't tell me it's alive and kicking my friend. i will be here all night. [crowd cheering] >> jon: we've got an awful lot. we'll check back in with john oliver. the com
believe in the constitution. i believe in our country and what our forefathers set forth for us. >> which is life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. in other words,. >> fully nude, exotic entertainment. >> he is a patron of the art of exotic dance. >> i'm the owner of night moves. >> and you, steven dick, jr., wait, certificate quussly, step endick is your name. >> my real name. >> stephen: all right then, you, steven dick is are a difference maker. (cheers and applause) for years this dick has been providing albany cultural enrichment through his dance theatre night moves. >> i am the last remaining all nude club in albany. >> stephen: but now the community may lose this treasured institution. because new york state hit night moves with a bill for almost a million dollars in back taxes. so steven dick did what any patriot would do. >> we didn't pay them. >> and why would he? because state law has an exemption for musical and dramatic performances. this is art rosen, former deputy council of the new york state department of taxation and finance. he says it all comes down to one questi
to the "report." chausz (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you so much for joining us. please, nation, we have a big show tonight. my guest is none other than former presidential candidate and current moon governor newt gingrich. (laughter) two titans of south carolina politics going head to head. but who can forget when gingrich swept the south carolina republican primary and i ran for president of the united states of south carolina. (cheers and applause) sadly, sadly, folks, i had to suspend my campaign on the technicality that i do not want that job and it does not exist. (laughter) but, folks, all that's behind us now. presidential elections of 2012 is finally over. after two years of relentless poll analysis, electoral map swiping, undecided voter dial testing and being forced to use the word "cuyahoga" in a sentence -- (laughter) -- we can finally take a breather. just relax with a nice soothing cup of camomile breeze and just let it all -- >> do you think it's too early to talk about 2016? we don't think so. (gunshot) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: (bleep) you! i've had it! i'm
and it does not exist. (laughter) but, folks, all that's behind us now. presidential elections of 2012 is finally over. after two years of relentless poll analysis, electoral map swiping, undecided voter dial testing and being forced to use the word "cuyahoga" in a sentence -- (laughter) -- we can finally take a breather. just relax with a nice soothing cup of camomile breeze and just let it all -- >> do you think it's too early to talk about 2016? we don't think so. (gunshot) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: (bleep) you! i've had it! i'm a human being goddamnit! i have rights! can't we just move on to some other aspect of our lives? not everything is a constant contest for political advantage! america's facing some serious problems! there are times to run and then there are times to govern! we need to come together, let it go, move on, god! (applause) (laughter) so what are the numbers? >> the public policy polling survey asked iowa democrats and republicans last week whond they would like to see as their nominee. for the democrat, hillary clinton the overwhelmingly top pick. 58%. fo
. >> thank you so much. >> thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. folks, good to have you with us. hey, hey, let me ask you something, everybody see that debate last night? butn't that great? i mean, romney clearly won. and, folks, i am not just saying that, i am saying that on tv. so if you're an undecided voter who did not watch, just trust me, it is 2 and 0. even though, even though, folks, the night was clearly stacked against mitt. after that first debate debacle, barack obama had definitely won the low expectations game. >> for obama the bar is rather low, compared to the first debate all he has to do is string a few sentences together, coherently to make eye contact with a single extentient human and show the slightest animation in his face. >> colbert: charles kraut hammer is right, low bar, obama's last debate performance was so bad .. that bar was set at charles kraut hammer. >> now, mitt, on the other hand, mitt, mitt romney, much greater challenge. >> we are told that they have practiced to such a level of detail that he even was preparing how he sits and there is a good reaso
Search Results 0 to 25 of about 26 (some duplicates have been removed)